Joke of the day

[Ccrashh]

From now on the jokes will be posted on this thread.


;D Doug "ccrashh" Edwards ;D

[Speedfellow\PR/]

I nominate Hatchet ;D

[TómmÿGûñz™ \PR/]

[Crazy Marlin \PR/]

Lol...Hatchet as joke of the day... that is priceless...

[Hatchet\PR/]

SPEEDY WILL PAY FOR THAT

[Hatchet\PR/]

Shortest fairy tail


Man Meets Woman
Man And Woman Falls In Love
Woman Leaves Man
Man Lives HAPPILY EVER AFTER ;D

[Hatchet\PR/]

Oh Speedy, BTW, Your Wife asked me to Give these Back to You, She said She dont need them anymore, and thay Dont Match my Truck ;D

[Ccrashh]

Aviation Glossary
This may elicit a chuckle or two...
Airfoil: Reynolds Wrap for manufacturing aircraft wings.

Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.

Angle of Attack: Pick-up lines that pilots use.

Arresting Gear: A Policeman's equipment.

Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.

Barrel Roll: Sport enjoyed at squadron picnics, usually after the barrels are empty.

Carburetor Icing: A phenomenon happening to Aero club pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas.

Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey located near the final approach beacon at an airport.

Crab: The squadron Operations Officer.

Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.

Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.

Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.

Glide Distance: Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a wet runway, 20,000 feet long.

IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.

Lean Mixture: Non-alcoholic beer.

Motor: Word used by student pilots and Yankees when referring to the engine.

Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.

Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service.

Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.

Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy's promotion party.

Roger: Used when you're not sure what else to say.

Roll: The first design priority for a fully loaded KC-135A.

Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.

Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration.

Stall: Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late.

Steep Bank: Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.

Tactics: What a clock sounds like when it needs fixing.

Tail Wind: Results from eating beans, often causing Oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.

Turn & Bank Indicator: An instrument highly ignored by pilots.

Useful Load: Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight of cargo.

Up: A chant used by pilots taking off from Colorado Springs, who want to discover the meaning of life.

VOR: Radio navigation aid, named after the VORtex effect of pilots trying to home in on it.

Windsocks: Socks that need darning.

Yankee: Any pilot that asks Houston tower to "Say again".

Zero: Style and artistry points earned for a gear-up landing.

[Ccrashh]

Airplane maintenance

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

[Crazy Marlin \PR/]

Oldies but goodies. I've read those a hundred times and they never get old.

[TómmÿGûñz™ \PR/]

Some people are like Slinkies...

Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

[TómmÿGûñz™ \PR/]

20 Laws of Golf
These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words laid out here.

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

[Crazy Marlin \PR/]

Ah, the truth can be hurtful... I always remember thinking that my 3-wood was out to get me...

[TómmÿGûñz™ \PR/]

- - - - GOLF TRUISMS FOR CYNICS - - - -

~The score your opponent reports on any hole
should always be regarded as their opening offer.

~Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie.

~A two-foot putt counts the same on the scorecard as a two-foot drive.

~The stages of golf are: Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration,
Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.

~The only sure way to get a par is to leave
a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole.

~It’s as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size.

~If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

~If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold;
if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods;
if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.

~It takes 17 holes to get warmed up.

~No golfer ever swung too slowly.

~No golfer ever played too fast.

~One birdie is a hot streak.

~Never take lessons from your father.

~Never teach golf to your partner.

~There are no little problems.

~There are no tiny changes.

~There are no small pieces of advice.

~The rake is always in the other trap.

~No matter how badly you are playing, it’s always possible to play worse.

~Any change works for three holes.

~Never try to keep more than 100 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

~The less skilled the player,
the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

~The less intelligent the player,
the more certain he is to offer insights into the mental side of the game.

~It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

~The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.

~Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

~Confidence evaporates in the presence of water.

~It’s not a gimmie if you’re still away.

~Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

~The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.

~The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.

~The rough will be mowed tomorrow.

~It never begins to rain on the 18th hole.

~It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.

~You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10 percent of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

~The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.

~Out-of-bounds is always on the right.

~The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.

~No one with funny head covers ever broke par.

~Don’t play with anyone who would question a 7.

~The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.

~Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.

~The number of tees in your bag is always less than 3 or more than 600.

~No matter how far its shaft extends,
a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.

~If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range,
it’s probably because you’re not aiming at anything.

~Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.

~The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

~You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

~A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than one golfer.

~99.99% of all matter is empty space, but that last. 01% will stop a golf ball dead.

~Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys
to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

~To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing
by his handicap. Example: backswing 40 mph, handicap 15,downswing 600 mph.

~Knowing the swing weight of your club is as indispensable to playing good golf
as knowing the temperature of the grass in the fairway.

~There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing the glove.

~It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway
if you're not too choosy about which fairway.

~Hazards attract; fairways repel.

~If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

`If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

~Any change works for three holes.

~Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing you're doing right.

~No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

~When your shot has to carry over a water hazard,
you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

~If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there

[TómmÿGûñz™ \PR/]

Top Ten Signs You’re Golfing Too Much

When you pick up something off the floor, you have to lean on your putter

The only number on your speed dial is 1-800-TEETIME.

You have your priorities in order: food, shelter, greens fees, job.

You dream you go to prison but still get conjugal visits with your driver.

You tell the lost motorist that the gas station is only a par 4 away on the left.

You’d like to take off your glove but hey, why bother?

Whenever you see a hole in the ground, you squat, squint and read the line.

You’re vaguely aware of living with a woman, allegedly your wife

You ask the shopper ahead in the checkout line if you can play through.

Before you pick up the salt shaker, you mark its position with a dime.